The very best pregnancy book I ended up reading was, hands-down, Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Even though my labor and delivery did not go as I had envisioned, this was still the most positive and down-to-earth of the books on natural childbirth.

Would I still recommend natural childbirth? Yes.

Heh, heh.

Needless to say, some sources say pregnant women shouldn’t have certain of the ingredients, while others say they should. The ingredient I looked up first was nettle, since raspberry leaf seems to be the most traditional pregnancy tea and oat straw and alfalfa are pretty innocuous. Here is a representative pro for nettle and a representative con. Here is one of those sites that is anti-everything for pregnant women (note the sanctimonious observation at the bottom that yerba mate contains as much caffeine as coffee and must be avoided, even though here they admit that there is no evidence that moderate caffeine intake is harmful and fall back on trying to make you feel like an irresponsible person for “risking” it anyway. I ignore these sites). Just for fun, here is a site recommending the mixture for mares.

It’s somewhat similar with raspberry leaf, although in that case there seem to be more sources consistently recommending it and with more agreement about what it does, and virtually no sources providing a reason to avoid it other than “it hasn’t been fully studied, so you don’t really know what effect it will have.”

The most disturbing observation I made about nettle was that the people in favor of it seem to be more focused on its nutritional content – midwives have this obsession about iron, vitamin K, calcium, and chlorophyll (to name a few), and nettles contain them. The sources recommending against it (or, simply not listing pregnancy among the conditions it is indicated for) are looking more at the active effects. Are the people recommending it so busy getting excited about the iron content that they don’t notice it’s a diuretic and antihistamine (among other things)? Those are often the very effects they cite when telling you to avoid caffeine and cold medicine, respectively. They already have you drinking oat straw and alfalfa mostly for nutritive value anyway, but the nettle doesn’t seem as wise.

I’m going to skip the nettle.

There is no ending to the midwife’s concern about nutrition, by the way. Concentrate on protein and you’re not getting enough fruit and vegetables; concentrate on fruit and vegetables and you’re not getting enough protein. Be sure to take the big prenatal vitamins to get all of the vitamins and minerals you might possibly need, since even if you get close to an ideal diet, you still should worry. And then, drink this tea, since it is full of vitamins and minerals. The point where I have enough “nutrition” does not seem to exist.

I’m just tired. It’s not so much that I’m tired of my pants falling down and sleeping with bad heartburn and a small foot planted firmly in the side of my stomach (although I’m kind of tired of that), but I feel sort of besieged all the time. Are you doing this or that? Not doing the other? What are you eating? What have you bought? Exercises? Which ones? Why not this one too? It never ends.

If you get the impression from reading this that the worst part of being pregnant is not so much the physical difficulties as all of the really stupid stuff people feel entitled to say to you and that the medical profession foists on you… well… that’s correct.

If you are not yourself pregnant, be sure to offer this advice to anyone you see who is. Pregnant women love receiving advice.

1. Consume plenty of calcium (absolutely necessary for the baby), but not too much (can cause the baby’s cranium to fuse prematurely), but avoid dairy products (have been linked to allergies in the baby), but in lieu of taking medication for your heartburn (you never know what effect medication might have), just drink milk. It’s much harder to absorb calcium from non-dairy sources, so study the lists of vegetables carefully to make sure you still might get enough every day. The minimum recommended amount of calcium per day is 1800 mg. The maximum recommended amount of calcium per day is… 1800 mg.

2. Take large prenatal vitamins. Take them twice a day, but actually, take them more often than that since they contain more calcium at one shot than your body can absorb. They contain 1200 mg of calcium in the daily total, so be careful not to get more than another 600 mg from the food you are eating, or be sure to get a minimum of another 600 mg from the food you are eating.

3. Get enough iron. Most pregnant women are anemic. Take your prenatal vitamin, plus an iron supplement if it is prescribed, and plenty of iron-rich foods. But too much iron is dangerous, so be sure you don’t get too much. Actually, most vitamins are dangerous if you have too much of them, especially to babies. You can’t eat liver, for example, since although it contains a lot of iron, it also contains too much vitamin A, which can cause birth defects.

4. Be sure you are getting enough Omega-3 fatty acids, which are essential to brain development. You had better take these as a supplement unless you are eating salmon every day. However, some fish oil supplements have too much vitamin A (see #3).

5. Every day, eat 4 servings of protein, 4 servings of calcium (but no dairy unless as a heartburn treatment, see #1), 2 servings of dark greens, 1 serving of other vegetables, 3 servings of grains (whole grains only), 1 serving of citrus, and 1 serving of other fruit, but remember that you’re not really “eating for two” and if you gain too much weight you won’t lose it after the baby is born.

6. Not gaining enough weight in pregnancy is cause for alarm. You’d better see your doctor.

7. Eat your sources of iron at the same time as your sources of vitamin C – the vitamin C helps the iron absorb. Do not eat your sources of calcium at the same time as your dark green vegetables, animal protein sources (meat, eggs, or dairy), or grain, however, since they can interfere with the absorption of calcium. Caffeine and carbonated beverages also interfere with calcium absorption, but you shouldn’t have any anyway. If you are trying to consume dairy or green vegetables for calcium, you are apparently screwed.

8. If you do drink milk (#1), drink low-fat only (#5).

9. If you are trying to get your vitamin C from juice instead of from whole, fresh fruit, dilute it. For some reason. Something to do with too many calories (see #5).

10. Drink 1 quart of uterus-toning pregnancy tea every day. It is not sufficient to create an infusion by steeping it in boiling water for 15-20 minutes as recommended by all other herbal medicine books. Steep it overnight.

11. Drink 2 quarts of water per day. This is in addition to your milk (for heartburn only), diluted fruit juice, and quart of pregnancy tea. The water content of those does not count. For some reason.

12. If you feel like you have to pee a lot, try to train yourself to hold it and tolerate it better, because it will only get worse. Or, it might be a sign of a bladder infection. You had better go to the doctor and have it checked out.

13. No safe level of alcohol has been established, so, if you eat anything that was cooked with alcohol, since 100% of it doesn’t cook out, you are running the risk of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, even though in actual studies of FAS, it’s been found only to occur when the mother is an alcoholic.

14. Don’t eat soft cheeses, due to the risk of listeria, which can be fatal to the baby. Even though there is no risk of listeria in cheese made with pasteurized milk, as American-made cheeses often are, everyone knows you definitely shouldn’t have any soft cheeses. In fact, you shouldn’t have hard cheese either (see #1).

15. If you don’t follow these instructions to the letter, you are an irresponsible person, and anything that goes wrong in your labor or the entire life of your unborn child is your fault.

You may be tempted to comment on this post, “oh! You can get maternity pants from ‘X’!” No, I can’t. I already looked there, believe me. Anyway, I give up. I only have another month or two of holding my pants up.

On an iron supplement: “Now in an easy-to-carry bottle!” (Did it previously come in a lead bottle with spikes on it?)

To me, it sounds like the baby has gotten enough fat on his hands and feet that when he swishes them around, rubs or smacks them into something, it can make a sound. I decided not to worry about it.

(And no – I am not leaking amniotic fluid – I’d know that by now.)

I haven’t been spending much time in front of the computer since we moved – generally, it’s gotten uncomfortable to sit in a desk chair for long. I’m not sure what I would be doing if I were still trying to work right now. I don’t want to think about it, really.

The baby gets bigger and more wiggly every day. Now he is big enough that he occasionally picks a position or stretches out in a way that bangs up against my ribs. Sitting straighter helps a little, but only until my belly starts to get sore from the weight pulling straight down instead of more at an angle into my butt. Also, my heartburn has gotten bad enough that I usually spend at least part of the night propped up on pillows. Sure, I can drink milk or eat Tums too, and that helps, but when it’s really bad that’s sort of like trying to soak up the Exxon spill with a dishmop. I just have to try to keep it from getting worse instead.

We now have a good collection of onesies, washcloths, booties and so on. It’s kind of funny to think of needing them for my squirmy space alien.

I also have to say I’m amused by the number of baby clothes that have “baby” embroidered across the front. This isn’t to knock the purchasers of these items, who are at the mercy of what the stores choose to carry, but it is pretty funny. I can’t decide if it is to remind me not to try to put these items on myself, or when they’re on the baby, to remind me what he is. Kitty cat? Loaf of pumpernickel? Can of squeezie cheese? No! Baby! Glad that’s settled!