Elfnoodles

I guess everyone with kids – or pets, or both – has to have at least one horrific poop story. Today’s is after the jump.

You want to read a poop story? Really? Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Cory had just woken up from a nap, and since the weather has been so nice, I decided to take him for a walk. I put on jeans and shoes and took the stroller downstairs and set it up. Cory loves walks now, so when I returned it was no surprise that he was waiting with open arms for me to pick him up.

I first detected something amiss when I picked him up and put my hand in it. Strangely enough the smell had not had time to travel. This is extraordinary considering how bad the smell turned out to be. Still not realizing the scale of the problem, I started to put him on the floor to change his diaper, at which point I realized that the slightest contact Cory made with anything whatsoever covered it in poo. Myself included. So I took him to the bathtub instead.

I stood him up in the big tub while I filled his little tub. He stood there more or less on one foot, the one that didn’t squish when he put it down, holding onto the side of the tub and looking very upset and alarmed, although he never did cry. You probably didn’t know Cory could stand on one leg at his age. I didn’t. Meanwhile I took off both our clothes. He continued to give me the alarmed squicked-out look until I put him in the tub. After I washed him, I drained the water and did it again. At this point he was having fun, since he likes baths as much as he likes walks.

After I got him out I ran around cleaning stuff up, and on my trip back to the bathroom to clean up there, I found some cat barf to clean up as well. You might be sympathetic to the cats – maybe you feel like barfing too – but if you have cats you know they barf for no reason anyway.

Then I figured I should still go for a walk, since Cory likes them and I didn’t want to be a liar about going. We had a nice walk, although I kept wondering, Lady Macbeth-style, if people would still be able to see some poop on me that I had missed.

Naturally, all of this happened while Thud was at work, blissfully unaware of the poopstravaganza at home. Figures. Although when he gets home the place will probably still smell vaguely of poop – unbelievably smelly poop – and bleach.

I think I should get two beers tonight.