But then there are the e-mails. When you, almost inevitably, get outbid you get the e-mail from eBay shrieking that YOU HAVE BEEN OUTBID and BID AGAIN NOW!! DON’T LET IT GET AWAY!! AUGHHHHH YOU FOOL!!! And as if that weren’t enough, when the auction finally comes to an end, you get another soul-sucking “tsk tsk” e-mail from eBay to remind you that you lost.

So usually I just look for Buy-it-nows. What’s funny is that eBay then sends you the e-mail congratulating you for winning. Oh yes, I am quite the winner and that made my day. Don’t I feel like a worthy person. What a joke.

I hate eBay.

Here goes.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS COLORED OBSIDIAN!!

If you are still thinking, “yes, but there’s the rare blue obsidian,” READ THE ABOVE AGAIN.

Obsidian is always, always, always black. Sometimes it’s plain black, and sometimes it has inclusions. Black obsidian with a few or a lot of red-brown wisps or patches is mahogany obsidian. Black obsidian with a few or a lot of white spots is snowflake obsidian. Black obsidian with a silver, gold or rainbow sheen is also natural obsidian. However, there is no place on God’s green Earth where anyone has found clear blue, yellow, green, pink or aqua obsidian in the ground. Anyone who tells you otherwise is making a fine living selling you plain old glass.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with glass jewelry or skulls or other knick-knacks, as long as you are aware that it is man-made glass. DO NOT pay high prices for it as if it were some rare mineral find. It is not.

Thank you.

The next most important thing you need is – stock? No! – copy. Lots of copy. Obviously, it’s best if the copy for each crystal states that it is essential for the purchaser’s Ascension, particularly in a grid of 7 to 10 stones, plus will solve all of their health problems and perhaps vacuum their den. I know I know, it seems like you should just be able to use the identical text for each one, but people actually read it, so that won’t do.

Seems like a lot of work writing all that copy, eh? Heck no! All you have to do is plagiarize it from somewhere else! In the early days, people actually had to type out the entries from Melody’s books and other sources to copy them, but now others have done all that for you, so all you have to do is go Google and copy, copy, copy! In general, the longer the text you end up with is, the more knowledgeable people will think you are. If you have your own store, you don’t have to clutter up every sale page with it, just put in the most salient points and link to the full entry in your “information” section.

Oh yeah, if you have a store on your own domain you need an “information” section. This should, at minimum, include a “how-to.” Don’t worry, you can copy that as well.

Ok, so on to stock. Unfortunately, in most cases you do need a fairly broad range of crystals to sell. Most customers already have the old standbys like heat-treated citrine, although you should still offer them, especially in chakra or gift sets, since they’re so cheap for you to buy wholesale – but what’s going to draw people at first is more unusual stuff, or a store where they can buy several types of crystals they don’t have yet all at once. Some of these can get pricey, however, if they’re genuinely rare, so it’s better to fill out your selection as much as possible with dyed or heat-treated versions of the same old things. Red tigereye, for example, and obscenely pink agate. Purple kambaba jasper. Maybe some of the Chinese “cherry quartz.”[1] People have been led to believe that crystal healing involves playing paint-by-numbers with their chakras, so they will buy just about anything in their quest to get a selection of stones in each color. Make certain that the copy you copy encourages this.

Add to the copy for every crystal something to the effect that it is totally natural, not treated or manmade in any way, even for the ones that are. Some people look for this assurance that the item is natural, but if they don’t know any better, they’ll buy it, and if they can tell that it’s faked by looking at it, it’s not like eBay has a “call seller a liar” button.

Another great technique is to take one crystal that is fairly easy and cheap to come by, but call it something else, especially a crystal that is considered more rare and trendy, or at the very least call it a variation of something with an established healing reputation. This takes a bit of finesse, but will be worth it. Pietersite, for example, is rare and trendy. Bronzite is not, but most people aren’t familiar with it yet. So, sell bronzite as “gold pietersite.” Voila! Instant cash! Any swirly-patterned stone can be sold as kambaba jasper, since kambaba is desirable to people who have been reading crystal books, but they aren’t personally familiar with it yet. Even plain blue glass can be sold as “blue obsidian.” Sure there’s no such thing as blue obsidian, but the metaphysical properties of real obsidian are well-known, so people will jump at the chance to own a rare blue variation. Maybe even several in different shades. These are just a few examples, so use your imagination. The possibilities are really endless.

Let’s see, what else. You must, perhaps on the front page of your store or in an “About Me” section – preferably both – inform the customers that you are an experienced crystal healer and have a gift for selecting the most powerful stones for the purchaser. Any suggestion that in cases of crystal healing, it’s the crystals doing the work, not you, is totally unnecessary and perhaps counterproductive.

That’s it! Remember to act friendly and ship promptly, because much of your income will be from a high seller rating and repeat business which will, as mentioned, gradually allow you to get higher prices, and perhaps even open up a lucrative market for services such as crystal horoscopes and distance attunements.

Finally, if you really want to see real masters at work, have a look at Heaven & Earth LLC, world-famous for selling serpentine as “Infinite,” quartz as “Azeztulite™,” turquoise-colored glass as “Aqua Lemuria™,” and inventing an ever-increasing variety of coated crystals such as “Angel Aura™.” Those are just a few examples out of dozens! They even have their own, very popular, book to promote their “discoveries.” That takes a lot of influence and capital, but we can dream, eh?

[1] Red tigereye is always heat-treated gold tigereye – yes, even the ones you have; most brightly-colored agates and geodes are dyed; purple kambaba jasper is dyed; most red quartz is manmade.

By contrast, heat-treated amethysts are often bright gold, with lots and lots of internal fractures that make them seem to sparkle. In many, but not all, of them the color is so deep that it borders on orange to brown (in other words, they literally look burnt). Many of them have large zones of white mixed in. Looking for these characteristics can help you determine if tumbled or polished pieces are fake or not. Unfortunately, with very small tumbled pieces or cabs it might be hard to tell a fake if it happens to be a clear, pale one. If you see a rough point or cluster that’s amethyst-shaped, however… that’s a giveaway.

The last time I checked just a few days ago, almost all of what was being sold as “natural citrine” on eBay was not. It’s unbelievable how much fake crap gets sold on eBay, but that’s another post. I have also found a few metaphysical dealers selling what are clearly heat-treated amethysts as “natural, not heat-treated.” Whether they are really dishonest or have been taken for a ride by their suppliers, I don’t know. If it’s the latter I wish they would learn something about rocks if they are going to sell them. If it’s the former, what I think of them isn’t fit for polite company.

There aren’t a lot of sites where you can see photos of fake and real side-by-side, which is why I am planning to put up another one here once I can take the photos.
Here’s one site: Color Altered Crystals. I appreciate their offering this and the photos are gorgeous, but since they are of elestial-structure points worthy of museum displays (again, gorgeous…), they’re just not that representative of what you are likely to see.
Another is: The Vug; Fakes, Forgeries and Misrepresentations… You may have to scroll down to get to the entry on citrine. Note the classic amethyst dragontooth and cluster forms he’s photographed. There’s a lot of interesting stuff here on other types of mineral fakes as well.

I want to note that amethyst is one of my favorite crystals – that’s part of why I feel so strongly about this. They’re beautiful as they are and ought to be left alone. By the same token, real citrine deserves to be rightfully recognized again – it’s another very beautiful stone.

Apparently, irradiated smoky quartz is somewhat less common than baked citrine, since natural smoky quartz is not nearly as rare as natural citrine. Still, it could be hard to know what you’re getting, especially if you like to buy cut and polished pieces.

Also, it seems there’s been an important advance in the realm of the Naga Eye Amulets – carve them into a more graphical representation of a penis and claim that they are an ancient “Indus civilization” artifact, and people will actually bid on them – up to 7 bids and $127.50 at this writing. If the quartz one seems a little rich for your blood, here’s the leaded glass version starting at just $24.99.

If you don’t want quite such a blatantly phallic item, and would rather get a plain ol’ Chinese glass “crystal” point, there are plenty available – but it looks like you might get outbid on those beauties, too.

The first time I ran across one of these amulets and searched in Google, I found it interesting that there was absolutely no mythological or folk tradition about them anywhere to be found. They only exist in eBay. Or maybe I was just suspicious since they sound so much like a World of Warcraft drop.

But apparently the big trend on eBay now is “haunted” items. Some of the most popular seem to be dolls and jewelry, but I can’t replicate the effect of looking through all of the listings (over 3000 of them at this writing) just by linking to a few examples. You have to see for yourself. Photoshop effects, black and purple backgrounds, long stories about Gypsy Druid grandmothers, and furious bidding abound. In addition to searching on “haunted” (and learning that the word “haunted” now encompasses the whole range of meaning between “possessed” to “reiki charged,” “enchanted,” or “I think it has something to do with fairies”), you can get excellent results by category: Psychic, paranormal. Really, don’t miss it. This is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time.